New Office Policies

DRESS CODE:

 YOU ARE ADVISED TO COME TO WORK DRESSED ACCORDING TO YOUR SALARY. IF WE SEE YOU WEARING PRADA SHOES AND CARRYING A GUCCI BAG, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE DOING WELL FINANCIALLY AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE. IF YOU DRESS POORLY, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY BETTER, SO THAT YOU MAY BUY NICER CLOTHES, AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE. IF YOU DRESS JUST RIGHT, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.

SICK DAYS:

 WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT A DOCTOR'S STATEMENT AS PROOF OF SICKNESS. IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO COME TO WORK.

 PERSONAL DAYS:

 EACH EMPLOYEE WILL RECEIVE 104 PERSONAL DAYS A YEAR. THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY'S AND SUNDAY'S.

 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

 

THIS IS NO EXCUSE FOR MISSING WORK. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR DEAD FRIENDS, RELATIVES OR CO-WORKERS. EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO HAVE NON-EMPLOYEES ATTEND TO THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. IN RARE CASES WHERE EMPLOYEE INVOLVEMENT IS NECESSARY, THE FUNERAL SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN THE LATE AFTERNOON. WE WILL BE GLAD TO ALLOW YOU TO WORK THROUGH YOUR LUNCH HOUR AND SUBSEQUENTLY LEAVE ONE HOUR EARLY.

 

BATHROOM BREAKS:

 

ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT ON THE TOILET. THERE IS NOW A STRICT THREE MINUTE TIME LIMIT IN THE STALLS. AT THE END OF THE THREE MINUTES, AN ALARM WILL SOUND , THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WILL RETRACT, THE STALL DOOR WILL OPEN, AND A PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN. AFTER YOUR SECOND OFFENSE, YOUR PICTURE WILL BE POSTED ON THE COMPANY BULLETIN UNDER THE "CHRONIC OFFENDERS" CATEGORY. ANYONE CAUGHT SMILING IN THE PICTURE WILL BE SECTIONED UNDER THE COMPANY'S MENTAL HEALTH POLICY.

 

 LUNCH BREAK:

SKINNY PEOPLE GET 30 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, AS THEY NEED TO EAT MORE, SO THAT THEY CAN LOOK HEALTHY. NORMAL SIZE PEOPLE GET 15 MINUTES FOR LUNCH TO GET A BALANCED MEAL TO MAINTAIN THEIR AVERAGE FIGURE. CHUBBY PEOPLE GET 5 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, BECAUSE THAT'S ALL THE TIME NEEDED TO DRINK A SLIM FAST.

 THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO OUR COMPANY. WE ARE HERE TO PROVIDE A POSITIVE EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE. THEREFORE, ALL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, CONCERNS, COMPLAINTS, FRUSTRATIONS, IRRITATIONS, AGGRAVATIONS, INSINUATIONS, ALLEGATIONS, ACCUSATIONS, CONTEMPLATIONS, CONSTERNATIONS AND INPUT SHOULD BE DIRECTED ELSEWHERE.

 LAUGHING MY **** OFF

-E

 

 

 

 

 

 

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS

> >>

> >> A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a

> >> farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.

> >>

> >> Not yet," said the little boy.

> >>

> >> His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

> >>

> >> Well, he's a little Ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,

> >> He kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

> >> When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

> >>

> >> He goes back in for breakfast and his mother Gives him a bowl

> >> of dry cereal.

> >>

> >> How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, And why don't I have

> >> any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

> >>

> >> Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't

> ! >> ; get any eggs for a week.

> >> I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for A week

> >> either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week You aren't getting

any

> >> milk."

> >>

> >> Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and Kicks the

> >> cat halfway across the kitchen.

> >>

> >> The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

> >> You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

LOL